注册 登录  
 加关注
   显示下一条  |  关闭
温馨提示!由于新浪微博认证机制调整,您的新浪微博帐号绑定已过期,请重新绑定!立即重新绑定新浪微博》  |  关闭

YY的冥想酒吧

..........风中飘零,夜之奢华。

 
 
 

日志

 
 

【转载】怎样爱自己,即使没人爱  

2014-01-23 22:33:23|  分类: 转帖 |  标签: |举报 |字号 订阅

  下载LOFTER 我的照片书  |

First, the second part of that title isn’t true. You either forgot who loves you, or need to find more people who do.

But there may be times where you feel alone and depressed — just about everyone has spells like that, or is strong enough to admit it. It’s not easy to talk about, but loneliness, feeling unwanted, and even self-hate from time to time is extremely common. If your hermiting drags on for weeks, you’ll want the help of healthcare experts, but if it’s not so severe and happens on occasion, here’s some vibrant and practical suggestions for you:

Gather a “praise pile”

Ideally, you’ll want to do this before you’re in a downer — it serves as a life preserver when you’re in the “eye of the storm”.

Compile the love you’ve felt: a handwritten note from your Mom, a photo of you and your best buds at the lake together, and awards you’ve won. They don’t have to be recent — recognition spans your whole life. And they don’t have to be physical, either; I’ve used the Firefox ScrapBook add-on to do what its offline analogue does: clip and save kind words from others. Like my lifehack comments. ;)

So when I feel like I’m not being cared about, I take a quick look at the “praise pile”, and put what’s happening in perspective: others have cared about me before, and they will again. And perhaps most importantly, by realizing this, I care about myself. This is a process and never happens immediately. One can’t instantly “snap out of it”. It “takes time”, as the trite-but-true saying goes. But oh, how true it is.

According to How to get Rich, Donald Trump keeps a box of mementos much as what I’ve described. He sure seems like he loves himself a lot.

Give up on something worth dropping

Burdens are bedfellows with loneliness. Some people who’d like to have more of a social life are crushed by the rat race, or their own compounded fears which hold them back. By dropping what I often call “slop” (waste unnecessary to your enjoyment of life), it frees you to take on more meaningful things (keep reading!). Less worry means more freedom to self-explore and pursue interests.

Why does this sound so obvious? Because it is. But it may only be during a time of emotional inner turbulence that you can summon the strength to unchain yourself.

Don’t overthink — that makes it worse. If you watched the recent Olympics in Beijing, notice how many top athletes (gymnasts in particular) have such a fluid momentum that you might wonder if they’re thinking consciously at all. As any great performer knows, and as controversial as “muscle memory” may be, repeated practice leads to what’s dubbed “second nature”, or a threshold surpassed in which analyzing evolves to intuition based on past experiences.

When you find yourself especially stressed or anxious, those are otherwise-unpleasant moments you can use to your advantage. Especially if you’re crying and in a lot of anguish, determine in a flash what’s worth keeping, and visualize it like this: you are a burning building. If you could rush into yourself and save only a handful of things to take to a new you, what will they be?

Write them down, and set the list aside until you feel more rational. Then look at it again, and join your thoughts of the now with what you had felt then. This can be a potent truth-revealing exercise and puts you on the right track.

Find something new worth fighting for

By “fight”, I refer not to violence. Rather, I speak of a cause you can champion and stand up for. The “fight” here is versus adversity. Your cause may be a charity that improves others’ lives, or even a campaign to save a TV show. Notice how these purposes require others to get involved — they’re inherently social, and even though you may not think about so much about that (and shouldn’t), they’ll lead to you interacting with others, feeling less lonely.

Being recognized as a maverick and a leader isn’t a deliberate process you need to set up like a goal. Rather, the goals here are more about the innate satisfaction and Happiness you’ll feel.

A couple examples from my experiences: when I felt snobs were scaring away novices from enjoying electronic music, I spoke up against them, serving as a pillar of light for new fans. I wrote reviews and guides, increasing techno music’s accessibility. The adulation felt awesome. And more recently in a professional capacity, I’ve connected knowledge resources for the virtual world of Second life, helping our community to have happier experiences. I began as a fan, and came to love what I do (and myself) so much that I ended up working for the company.

Growth is like that — you may not know where you’ll precisely end up, but you should always be passionate about growth and know where you want to head. Even if it’s not a single direction, mixing disciplines and skillsets will create a unique fusion that no one else has, and that’s a strong reason to love your uniqueness.

Celebrate your similarities AND differences

Too many people make the mistake of singling out what’s common or how they’re different. This is defective, too-filtered thinking, because success is neither wholly familiar or alien: it’s both. All of us are humans and subject to emotions. By consequence, all of us have problems — but some of us deal with them more effectively than others. We are all variations on a common theme.

If you’re concerned about body image, it’s good for all humans to be healthy. But it’s unachievable to duplicate someone else’s figure — Jocelyn Wildenstein taught us that with her approximation of a cat. After perusing existing possibilities, you need to do what’s right for you (including Jocelyn — if she’s happy, that’s what matters) and being inspired by someone isn’t the same as cloning them: it’s taking your hero’s “recipe” and improvising a new mix with it.

Be brave about what you really like

I used to get dirty faces when I opined how much I liked Britney Spears’ song, “Toxic“. I’m fond of the slick music video coupled with the angular strings and slammin’ beats. Britney’s voice wasn’t bad, either. I don’t approve of her recent lifestyle choices, but true to my heart, that song was a masterpiece!

Many people have secret “guilty pleasures”, be they pop songs or other recreational activities. If it does no harm to your health and well-being, why must it be guilty? Strip away the “layers of mindfat” and be earnest. This prepares you to meet other likeminds (as opposed to “lowminds”, who don’t contribute to your interests).

Here’s the problem: so many of us, even those who are no longer teens or in college, live under the specter of “peer pressure”. We’re afraid we “won’t fit in” if we speak to the contrary. And especially if we dig something that’s popular, we’ll be subjected to redundant reminders like “Just because it’s popular doesn’t mean it’s good”.

You need not get into wasteful wordwars and endless debates about the merits of something. If you feel a certain other person or group repeatedly opposes what you care about and that’s regularly getting you down, then spend more time with people who do share your appreciation. The Internet is laden with all manner of subcultures and microcliques, so even if you’re geographically-challenged, it’s possible to find others you connect with.

We infact live in an era of social networking saturation, so I approve of trying various tools and simply sticking with what you use regularly — doing reveals being, and you may just clowning around… but hey! you’re in this together.

health

 Top Tips

 nutrition

 Love

 lifestyle

 Happiness

 Weight Loss 

 

Furthermore, some minor threads expand grossly when more people speak up about how much they like ‘em, e.g., how Gaia Online and deviantART have expanded from tiny niches to nourish vast anime communities. Investing in your Happiness is like playing the stock market: subject to fluctuation, but hopeful for long-term growth.

Be a little more selfish

Selfishness is always bad, right? Of course not! (What’s up with these lame generalizations?) Some people are prone to giving too much to others and not feeding themselves, so if this is you, you need to adjust. My wife once shared her meat story with me, which is a delicious, terse tale about feeding yourself, and being careful who you give your “meat” (yourself, essentially) to.

You need to be strong before you can strengthen others. It’s true that in giving to others, you may experience a positive feedback loop of joy, but you need something to start that off.

Feeling your own dreams are denied because you’re always supporting others? Let them know what you want to pursue, and if they’re quality people, they should come to collaborate on yours in-kind.

Love flows both ways in the best relationships.

Adapt, evolve, iterate

A single word, and a powerful one, with linked notions like “evolve” and “iterate”! I’m a genre geek, so I’ve got to mention the beast who killed Superman, Doomsday. If you’re not familiar with his backstory, he was an alien creature who was subject to repeated death, reincarnated repeatedly to adapt to harsher conditions (and more death). He evolved to a level where he could, well, murder Supes. Less-gruesome variations on this theme can be found in Stargate SG-1’s Replicators and The Incredibles‘ Omnidroid.

For some reason, I can’t think of any heroic examples at the moment, so you’ll want to be the opposite of the aforementioned: emotions come in cycles, and each time you go through feeling unloved, benefit from it. Go deep inside your head and familiarize yourself with why you feel this way, what triggers it, and when this is most likely to happen. By learning you, you’ll have better control over the cause-and-effect of your unHappiness. Extreme cases require medical treatment, but in the vast majority of instances, you have, or will adapt to have the power to do something substantial.

Write a guide helping others

Here we are — the self-referential part! Yet, sharing experiences is valuable. If you have a blog, or even make a comment on someone else’s blog, you may help others. And they may let you know — I hope so!

Save that feedback in your “praise pile”. You’ll need it for a rainy day, to remind you of the good you’ve done.

Don’t ever think “I’m not good enough” or “I don’t know enough”. Having struggled with pain, you’re good enough. Having experienced suffering, you know all about it.

With all the talk about “believing in yourself”, that should never be taken in a vacuum. Each one of us is influenced in positive and negative ways by external forces, and our lives are never static. The balance is dynamic, our moods shifting by day, or even by hours. What we choose to expose ourselves to and participate in is a large deterministic factor on our world outlook, and this is especially true in an age where more people choose what news they’ll watch, not because it reports with objectivity, but because it tells them what they want to hear. (A topic I may expand on later.)

writing a guide — even if it’s a few self-confessional paragraphs — provides self-validation, too. Simply “getting it out” makes you feel better, and based on what I said above, don’t waste attention on those who don’t appreciate your bravery. Gravitate to those who do.

Ultimately, it’s initially hard to “pull yourself out” when you’re feeling kicked like a stray dog. But this is why I shared the above — there’ve been times where I was sure everyone hated me, but then I realized (with increasing strength over the years) that this was just a temporal lie, my fallible emotions playing a nasty trick.

I rode through the proverbial storm with “praise pile” in hand, discovered new things about myself along the way, and went through that cycle enough times to arrive where I’m at today. That’s why I’m sharing this with you.

首先,我得说标题的第二部分是不对的。你不会忘记爱你的人,也不必找更多爱你的人。

你可能有感觉孤独和沮丧的时候—几乎所有的人都那样说过,或有那么承认过。说这些并不容易,但经常孤独,感觉不被需要,甚至自厌都是很平常的事情。如果你孤独的情况延续了好几周,你可能需要健康护理专家的帮助。如果没有那么严重,只是偶尔才那样的话,这里有一些实用的好建议:

收集”赞美集册“”

理想而言,你可能想在服用镇定剂之前做这些—在你处于“暴风中心“时,它会充当救生工具。

收集你所感觉到的关爱:妈妈手写的函件,你和最好的朋友在湖边的合影,还有你所赢得的奖励。这些都不必是最近发生的,你整个一生中的都行。此外,也没必要是物理上的。我通常使用火狐软件的剪贴薄来添加离线的消息:点击并保存别人给与的友好的话语。

因此,当我感觉没人关心我的时候,我会迅速地浏览一下”赞美集册",并把所发生的事情记在脑海里:以前有人关心我,他们还会继续关心我。或许最重要的是,通过意识到这些,我也开始关心我自己。这是一个从未立即发生过的过程。正如老生常谈但又真实的谚语所说的,人不会突然间振作起来,这都是需要时间的。不过,事实就是这样。

按照“怎样变得富有”,Donald Trump保存了一盒纪念品,这多少和我所说的相似。他无疑是很爱他自己的。

放弃值得丢弃的东西

负担是孤独的同伴。有些人想拥有更多的社会生活,但这些都被激烈的竞争给破坏了,或者因自身所产生的恐惧而望而却步。丢弃我通常所说的“废物‘(享受生活所不必要的废物),你就会有空闲去做更有意义的事情(保持阅读!)。少些担忧意味着更多自由来发掘自我和从事自己的兴趣所在。

这为什么看起来是显而易见的事情?因为事实就是如此。但它可能只在感情波动的某一时期如此,这样你就能集中所有力量来解放你自己。

不要过度地思考—那会使事情变得更糟。如果你看了最近北京的奥林匹克体育竞赛,注意有多少顶级的运动员(特别是体操运动员)有这种流动的冲劲,你会想他们是否会有意识地思考。正如许多杰出的演员所知,反复锻炼被谐称为“第二天性”,或者即将在过往经验的基础上有了突破,这和“肌肉记忆”一样富有争议。

当你发现你自己特别紧张或忧虑时,除了不愉快的时刻,你可以使用所有一切来改善自己的状况。特别是当你在哭泣和特别痛苦时,找出值得保留的瞬间,像这样来想象:你是一栋正在燃烧的房子。如果你能深入自己的内心并只能保存一些东西来成为一个崭新的自己,它们会是怎样的?

把它们纪录下来,并且把清单放在一旁,直到你感觉更加理智。然后再看一看,并且把你现在的思绪和你所感觉到的集中起来。这会是一个真正非常具有启发作用的锻炼,并走上正路。

找出一些新的值得奋斗的事情

奋斗,我指的不是暴力,而是你能为之奋斗和坚持的目标。这里的“奋斗”是针对逆境而言的。你的目标可能是改善他人生活的宽容或者甚至是保存一份TV节目的活动。注意这些目标是怎样要求其他人的参与的—他们的本质是社会性的,即使你可能没有(也不会)想这么多。它们会让你和其他人互相配合,感觉不那么孤独。

被认为是一个标新立异的人和领导不是一个审慎的过程,你不必设立一个像这样的目标。在一定程度上,这里所说的目标更多是你所感觉的满足和幸福。

  评论这张
 
阅读(246)| 评论(0)
推荐 转载

历史上的今天

评论

<#--最新日志,群博日志--> <#--推荐日志--> <#--引用记录--> <#--博主推荐--> <#--随机阅读--> <#--首页推荐--> <#--历史上的今天--> <#--被推荐日志--> <#--上一篇,下一篇--> <#-- 热度 --> <#-- 网易新闻广告 --> <#--右边模块结构--> <#--评论模块结构--> <#--引用模块结构--> <#--博主发起的投票-->
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

页脚

网易公司版权所有 ©1997-2018